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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude. Church is boring.
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.