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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
You had me at 0 mutual friends
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.