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If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.