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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.