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Yes I have a dirty mind ... And you`re on it!
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.