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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing