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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
OMG guys!! im so happy!! the doctors just gave me a jacket so im always hugging myself!!
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.