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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
I don`t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGI Friday`s once a month and glue more sh!t to the wall, no one notices, try it
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.