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If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
You know it`s been a good night when you wake up and see bite marks on the walls...
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there