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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...
Are walruses just vampire manatees?