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Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I did not say you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.