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I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Hey guys,,, Which sounds better: No longer rabid?, Or rabies free since 2003?........ I`m trying to update my e-harmony profile
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.