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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.