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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food´s food!