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Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
I was the only one that cared when Jimmy cracked corn.