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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.