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Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious!
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Question everything...Or should you?