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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, "neighborhood watch" isn`t what I thought it was.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.