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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?