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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Survival rule #1: You go first.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.