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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally