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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.