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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
bras are booby-traps
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.