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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
I don`t understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there`s so heavy.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!