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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
I`m all for change as long as it doesn`t directly affect my routine.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Now that I think about it... Facebook became popular ever since I made an account.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.