Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels