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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
I just had a conversation with my-self...but it just turned into an argument. I think it`s that time of the month...
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people