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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.