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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history