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One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
My girlfriend told me that Iām starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.