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Iām sorry Iām late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. Iām so glad Iām not a crazy person.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car