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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.