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Ya Know, if I was Jessie`s Girl. I would of dumped Jessie for Rick Springfield!!
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally