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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
I think eating is my kind of sport.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
A colon is used to indicate a list of elements to the sentence preceding it. A semicolon is for making winky faces.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.