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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.