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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store