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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.