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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
I think I may be getting harder to love.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?