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It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.