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Have you hugged you bartender today.
Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent`s face there is no known comeback.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Bless me Father for I hit send.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I laugh in the face of normal.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.