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Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
I`m tired of making the same mistakes over and over again. Does anyone have any new mistakes I can borrow?