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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?