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I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........