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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.