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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
I wanna say something. I´m gonna put it out there. If u like it, u can take it, if you don´t, send it back. "I want to be on you"
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I`m watching.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops