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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...