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You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
What if the weather talks about us?
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.