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Almost time for my nightly foursome......... Me, my bed, my pillow and my blanket! What the hell were YOU thinkin` you perv!!!!!!
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
My misery likes tequila, not company.