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So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.