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All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.