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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
only fights if pillows are present.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car