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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
Sports commentators need to stop saying penetrate
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
There are people in life you could NEVER get tired of hitting with a shovel!!!
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.