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Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Checked a lot off my thought-about-doing-today list.
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.