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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
I order all my food with extra gluten.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."