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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
It’s a status….not your diary…