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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.