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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
Alice in Wonderland taught me to drink things that I`m unsure of
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!