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I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Adam Levine beating me out for sexiest man contest is complete bullsh*t.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.