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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let this stupidity problem solve itself?
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
All I’m saying is you don’t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
status uploading
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.