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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
I always honk when I drive by homeless guys sleeping, just in case they overslept for a meeting
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.