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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?