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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.