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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.