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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
So bored at work I can`t even think of something to goggle
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.