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"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
I don`t need your advice. I do a great job of screwing up my life all by myself, thank you!
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married