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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I look so young for my rage.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."