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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
It needs more cowbell!!
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
You can’t please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.