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There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?