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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Don`t act like your not impressed.
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.