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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.