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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Karma takes too long ..... I`d rather beat the sh%t out of you.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.